This Isn’t a Breakdown
It’s identity death, and it might be the beginning of your boldest life.
As we edge closer to the end of the Snake year, I can already feel the flames of the Fire Horse licking at the base of my neck.
But before I throw myself headlong into the furnace of what’s next, I’ve been looking back at the last five years that have stripped me of the “good girl” skin I’d outgrown.
What came back was louder. Clearer. Less willing to shrink.
It was my death phase.
Identity death that is.
And if you are in one, or just coming out of one, or standing at the threshold wondering why your life feels grey, strange or stripped - this is for you.
1. The Practice of Dying Is a Lost Art
The ancient Egyptians lived with death in mind. It was simply a part of life. Their cosmology, preparation and their reverence were generally centered around the afterlife.
Yet in our modern, western world?
Death is hidden. Or whispered about like contraband.
Here is the truth though: we are always dying.
Our cells regenerate constantly. Your body today is not the body you had months ago. Identity is no different. Identity has a lifespan and you can feel when yours is expiring.
And this is what I realised we’re missing out on.
The problem isn’t death.
It’s that no one taught us how to participate in it.
So we cling. We overthink. We try to resurrect versions of ourselves that are already gone. And then we wonder why we feel exhausted.
But if you really listen to your body, you will hear it calling to you.
Life starts to go greyscale. Your energy drains and your body is tired in a way sleep doesn’t fix.
That’s not laziness. That’s the end of a version of you.
And yes, it is deeply inconvenient. But it is also a necessary part of life.
2. My Need to Dance Was Not Hedonism
For years I judged my desire to move, to rave, to sweat, to lose myself in rhythm.
In a culture that rewards control, dancing felt irresponsible, but in actual fact it was my aliveness.
Dance metabolised what thinking couldn’t.
It was my medicine that moved grief and anger from my muscles.
It is my medicine.
Some people pray.
Some people journal.
I move.
And now? The woman who judged herself for dancing, goes to festivals alone.
I recall leaving Solomun festival in London, completely euphoric after spending the day swimming in his beat choices instead of listening from my house, convincing myself not to go alone.
Best decision ever. I felt more like myself than I had in years.
Did people question me and perhaps low-key feel sorry for me? Yes. Did I give a damn? No.
Why? Because I chose myself.
3. The Power of Eroticism & Kink
Eros is life force.
And for a long time, I underestimated how much of my aliveness was locked behind shame.
After my relationship ended, I had this burning need to reclaim my shadow desires and erotic curiosity, and I discovered a love for kink.
This was not about being provocative.
Kink, erotic exploration, the reclamation of desire — these weren’t about performance.
They were about sovereignty.
When you confront your shadow desires, you stop being run by them unconsciously.
You stop outsourcing power.
You learn that your darkness is not danger. It is merely your depth.
There is something profoundly transformative about meeting the parts of yourself society told you to hide.
I remember my first time in a fetish club - surrounded by people unapologetically exploring their desires - and saying out loud exactly what I wanted. It was met with eager compliance, not derision.
My desire mattered.
When you stop shaming your desire and test your edges, you stop performing softness. You start saying what you need because you value yourself in all your guises.
4. Depression Was My Soul Refusing the Wrong Environment
This one is controversial.
I am not saying that all depression is mystical messaging. Some is chemical, some is trauma and some genuinely needs medical care.
Personally, I could feel that it was misalignment.
I felt - empty. No amount of sleep fixed my exhaustion and all the colours in the world seemed to have dulled a little.
When my body started to involuntarily sigh, I knew something was wrong. My body was trying to keep me alive and I was so dissociated I didn’t even realise.
When I made the choice to change my environment:
My nervous system softened.
My creativity returned.
My libido returned.
My appetite for life returned.
Sometimes when the body shuts down, it’s not because you are weak or no longer capable, but because you are somewhere you should not be and your body is giving you clues to do something about it - before it forces you to.
5. Trust & Surrender Are Muscles
For most of those five years, I had no map and I made decisions that looked reckless from the outside.
There were moments where even I questioned if I had completely derailed my life. Berated myself for it even.
I followed nudges I couldn’t justify.
But even when it made no logical sense; something met me. £300 turned up in a random online account I had, just as I was finishing the taco and salsa bought with my last pesos, in a hostel bed. An opportunity for a cat-sitting gig in a luxury apartment came up as I was in a cafe and wondering where I was going to stay next.
Whether it was a person, or an opportunity, or a sign - it showed up, which was enough for me to take the next step.
My nervous system learned that I could survive uncertainty.
Enter: The Fire Horse
I don’t know what this next cycle holds.
But I do know that the woman who entered those snake years died.
Multiple times.
And I am no longer afraid of that process.
If you are in a death phase right now, stop trying to save it.
The woman who comes back from her own descent does not ask permission in her next cycle.
She laughs louder.
She dresses bolder.
Says no without apology and yes without hesitation.
She moves when she’s called.
If your life feels grey right now, it is not falling apart.
Don’t rush to resurrect a version of yourself because it is familiar.
It is asking you to take stock. Does it truly feel like yours?
What’s coming next cannot enter while you’re clinging to who you were.
With love and magic,
Sim xxx
I could not love all of this more.
Pure. Fire. 🔥